


perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

by lxghtwoodsbow



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Alec accepts the deal, Angst, Crying Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Heavy Angst, Love rune, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Angst, Post-Break Up, Sad Alec, alec hurts himself, like just enjoying pain a little too much, only a tiny bit but it’s a warning, post 3x17, rest assured Magnus’ heart is thoroughly broken, set during 3x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 06:13:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18424533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxghtwoodsbow/pseuds/lxghtwoodsbow
Summary: It stood out against his tanned skin as he stared at it in the mirror. The one emotion he couldn’t find it in himself to turn off. But if he couldn’t show it, if he couldn’t be with the only person he could ever find himself in love with, then the rune would be his permanent reminder of it.or; Alec gets his love rune





	perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

**Author's Note:**

> ok I apologise I’m advance for this. Not only is is completely angsty but it is kinda really rushed and unbetaed so probably a lot of mistakes (as always)
> 
> I would have written the break up, but it seems a lot of people have beaten me to it, so I thought I’d mix it up a bit since I’ve got a feeling Alec will get his love rune in 3x18.
> 
> The ‘Alec hurts himself’ tag is only there just in case, but honestly he doesn’t do anything drastic, just a bit of nail stabbing and taking longer than he should to draw on the rune so it burns for longer. 
> 
> The title is from ‘Already Gone’ by Sleeping At Last, which suits this whole storyline so perfectly.

-

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Magnus, I do love you, but-“  
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t do this. Please Alexander, don’t, don’t leave me.”

-

Alec let out a sob the moment he reached his bedroom, using his back to close the wooden door behind him. It was a bitter noise, raw and open, painful in the back of his throat. His hazel eyes brimmed with tears that quickly bled down his quivering skin, merciless in the burning of his cheeks. 

He was shaking, not cold, yet still shivering, trembling arms tugging around himself as he sunk to the floor, knees hugged tightly to his chest, letting his nails dig into the flesh of his biceps in some attempt to feel any other emotion than crippling despair. It didn’t work, but at least it brought to life a minuscule part of the pain he was feeling. 

It was something.

-

“Alexander, talk to me, sweetheart please.”  
“I can’t, I’m sorry but I can’t, we can’t. I- us, it’s over.” 

-

Swaying slightly, the eldest Lightwood sobbed until it was only broken noises escaping his lips, eyes no longer damp, only bloodshot, the skin around painfully bloated. ‘If only Magnus could see me now’ he thought bitterly, inhaling, feeling the aching tenderness of his throat. Perhaps he was the weak, useless shadowhunter he had always thought of himself as. 

Alec Lightwood, the disappointment. 

“You must do better.” He remembers his father saying, disapproval glinting in his cold eyes, “You’re a Lightwood.”

Of course, the famous Lightwoods. The name came with a reputation, one that had to be upheld at all costs. And yet, so it happened, it was his parents of all people who had destroyed their perfect image, and suddenly it was on him to save it. Alec had promised himself he would be better, for that was drilled into him from such a young age.

Be better, do better, be the strongest, the fastest, the smartest, the best. Always the best, in all things. 

But Alec was never that, never could be. He wasn’t the stoic, fearless shadowhunter his parents wanted him to be. He was a pathetic little boy who sat on his bedroom floor crying over a warlock. The very thought of it would have made his mother and father laugh cruelly. 

-

“If this is about what I said at dinner, you have to understand. You do make me happy, so happy, but-“  
“But it’s not enough, I’ll never be enough. Not for you.”

-

He had tried to be callous, cold, make it so Magnus would hate him enough to stay away, but as he had stood there, it seemed impossible. In front of him had been this man, this beautiful, wise, generous, kindhearted man, who had made himself so easy to love just by being simply him. Alec could not imagine a day when he would stop loving him. 

Magnus Bane held his heart. 

But tried as he may, he couldn’t bring himself to speak those words into existence, to play on his lover’s fears, to be cruel, unloving. If he could never be near his love again, it seemed entirely unfair that the last words he spoke were ones of spite. But that was what this deal was, entirely unfair.

And suddenly, Alec quietened. The sobs no longer broke from his throat, his shaking ceased. Gradually, he untucked his knees, letting his legs slide to the floor, and lowered his head back until it came to rest against the door. Everything was still, silent, bar the shallow breaths of the shadowhunter. 

-

“Please Magnus, don’t make this harder than it already is.”  
“What, do you think I’m just going to let you give up on me, on us?”

-

Emotions cloud judgement. 

Perhaps it was cruel saying, but Alec needed something, anything, to live by. This was easier, no, simpler. He must be the perfect soldier, the wise leader, the engaging diplomat. A Lightwood, above all else. 

It was a lie, undoubtedly, to tell himself that it would make this any easier, no, Alec knew that the pain would never truly fade. But it was enough, for now, to distract himself. He wouldn’t allow himself to break down like this again. 

Inhaling sharply, the shadowhunter raised a limp arm and reached into his pocket, bringing out his simplistic stele. With his free hand, he pulled the collar of his shirt down, revealing the flesh from his neck to his shoulder, and some below it, lost to muscle from years of training. Eyes flitting closed, he brought the glowing end up to him, letting it brush the place where the base of his neck met his collarbone, and there he drew the rune. 

It burned, like any rune did, a feeling that would make any mundane wince or flinch away. Alec was used to it, he had been drawing them for 14 years now, but this time he allowed himself to relish in the dull ache, searing against his flesh. 

In a fight, or when he didn’t have the time, he could draw a rune in a second, maybe two, before grabbing his bow and quiver and heading out. This time, however, the Lightwood boy took his time, feeling every curve of the symbol being etched into his flesh. 

When he was done, Alec let the stele fall to the floor with a quiet thud, before running his fingers over his skin, outlining the design gently. 

-

“Aku cinta kamu.”  
“What does that mean?”  
“It means I love you, not that it matters.”

-

Love. 

It stood out against his tanned skin as he stared at it in the mirror. The one emotion he couldn’t find it in himself to turn off. But if he couldn’t show it, if he couldn’t be with the only person he could ever find himself in love with, then the rune would be his permanent reminder of it. 

It would hold a meaning, even if he couldn’t speak it aloud.

Alec Lightwood loves Magnus Bane uniquely, deeply, entirely, with everything he had and more.


End file.
